I had a real summer vacation for the first time in a long while. Free from the pressure to be “productive,” I spent time that was purely my own, playing games and watching dramas to my heart’s content. Perhaps it was in that complete silence? Because I was doing nothing, I began to see what was most important.
When I was young, I thought you naturally became an adult just by getting older. Maybe I believed that even until a few days ago. But during this vacation, I suddenly realized that my mind and heart had stopped trying to grow up.
I realized that, from some point on, I had been living my life in the “passive voice.”
Triggered by some past event, I had become a person who would step back and observe rather than take initiative. And I had been rationalizing it like a child, telling myself, “I’m not really that kind of person.” A wave of shame and apology washed over me at the fact that someone next to me was silently sharing the weight of responsibility that I had been turning away from. I felt so sorry for that person who had always filled in for my shortcomings.
Why had I been like that? I spent a long time thinking about myself. Then, it hit me. I was afraid of becoming an adult. I was scared of becoming a real adult who has to take responsibility for many things and sometimes take the lead. I had wanted to remain a child, leaning on those around me.
But now, I am truly determined to change. I’m going to have a real “awakening” that can fill the large void in my thoughts and heart.
What I need now, and from now on, is a single thing: the “active voice.” I will arm myself with “active self-esteem” that believes in my own value, and the “ability to execute” that puts it into action. I will cast aside the child-like heart that wants to lean on someone in any situation, and I will become a real adult who stands firm with a stronger heart and wiser thoughts.
And this time, this resolution is for real.
#Adulthood #PersonalGrowth #SelfReflection #Proactivity #MindsetShift #PersonalEssay
