Sometimes—or, if I’m being honest, quite often—I physically cringe when fragments of my immature past come to mind. When the words and actions of a younger, clumsier me make an unannounced visit, I often find myself muttering, “Ugh, I was insane.” When this happens on a quiet subway, the embarrassed glances from those around me make my face burn.
In Korea, we have a term for this: ibul-kick (이불킥), the act of literally kicking your blankets in bed as a cringeworthy memory suddenly floods your mind.
“You must love yourself.”
I recently came across this common phrase in a piece of writing. I’d heard it a thousand times, but for some reason, it sounded different that day—it hit deeper. It wasn’t just about affirming the person I am today. It was a message that I must also embrace, accept, and love the person I was in the past—the shameful me, the one who writhes and does the ibul-kickover my cringey history.
Looking back, the dear people in my life had already been telling me this. Whenever I was tormented by a past mistake, they would offer warm comfort, saying, “It’s okay to forgive yourself now.” They are such kind, powerful words, but for some reason, fully accepting them has always been difficult.
Perhaps it’s because the guilt I feel toward those I may have hurt with my immaturity remains a heavy burden. To everyone I may have hurt with my words or actions, knowingly or not, I want to take this moment to once again say I am sorry.
But now, little by little, I’ve decided to try forgiving myself. I won’t forget the feeling of being sorry, but I will try not to lock myself in the prison of my past.
Of course, I’m still clumsy at it. It feels awkward, and I’m not doing it perfectly. Yet, one thing is certain: though it has been slow, I know I am steadily taking steps forward, becoming a slightly better person today than I was yesterday.
Perhaps someone reading this is also tangled up in their own immature past, kicking their blankets at night. If so, I hope you can tell yourself that it’s okay, and that the clumsy you was, after all, still you.
If we are consistently striving to be better, that alone makes us worthy of love.
We should be better for our children.
— Kratos, from the game “God of War”
Perhaps it isn’t just for our own sake. For our children, for the next generation, maybe we have to become better people by learning from our past mistakes. Thinking of it that way, I feel like I’ve just found one more reason to forgive myself.
